a poem...

I've found this poem... from an anonymous writer. It comes together with a picture but it... like what I am experiencing... Like how i am feeling currently.. thought i should share it here as well...

I try to convince myself that you don't really exist
You are just a voice that lingers deep within my soul
Slowly eating away at me altering all reality

Then I see you from a distance
My heart begins to shatter again
I was reminded by what you did to me

I try to let the rain wash away the pain
But the pain will always remain
Locked away deep inside

Trapped by the loneliness
Entwined by the betrayal
And kept alive by the emptiness

I pray to forget you
Let you fade away so I can go on
But your voice has engraved itself into my memory

Consuming me further into this nightmare
Leaving me Lost and forever bound to the pain.

happy 2010? Not for me perhaps...

Well.. 2010... Is here and I'm still as miserable as it is... But I've decided... even if I'm drowning, Dying, bleeding... I have to let her go... I love her way too much to actually hurt her... I prefer her happy smiles... her happy self... but I'd like it more if it was me who makes her happy... I'd love to spend 2010 together like we did in 2009... But reality is there, grinning and smiling evilly down at me... hindering me from what i really wished for...

So yeah... I've decided to let her go... Cause if she really do love me... She'll come back to me... and I know there and then she's mine... but if she doesn't come back to me... I'll wish her all the best and will support her towards her happiness... No matter what I still love her..

But stepping into 2010... reminds me of the time where we spend new year's eve together... We drank alcohol and i got drunk... Waking up in her arms... I cherish those moments alot... But I prefer to have these beautiful memories and recreating a new and better one.. not a dull and sad one... but nothing can be helped i guess...

Still... Happy 2010. I wish everyone all the best... And i wish her.. to always, always be happy, stress free and away from diseases. I love you lots "S"... And i loved you since 2007...

What did i do this time...

Okay... now i feel even worst rather then being better... I thought i was! seriously.. i even brought food to eat after 2 weeks on consuming almost nothing! "S" had to get all angry because of my facebook message. Now she said its best to leave permanently... wth? Is she trying to kill me? I'm already in a bad state myself and this... This is making me feel even worst... Now i feel like I've lost all hope... lost everything..

Maybe i should just end it... Its not worth it anymore... I had enough of pain... I'm walking like a living corpse... I don't even know what am i doing... everything... i do makes me think of her and now... I'm... always drowning deep into the iced water.... And i don't think i can ever resurface... I had enough... This is enough... I'm tired... I'm tired of the pain... And i still want her.

Those little.. strings that is holding on to me has snapped.. what... happened to her.. i miss the old her... this is it... all my wishes and hopes.. all gone... I am the only one... who is being miserable here... please help me...

Back to dorm... back to memories....

Well... Vacational leave is over... but my emotion is still not stable... And i am forced back to my dorm... where... "S" used to stay 3 doors down my room... not only that she has moved out since her course has finished... I'd have to suffer... Suffer with of all my memories we had shared together in this place... Before this happened... I used to really look forward to coming back here to the dorm even though this place is really one hell itself. I would look forward to come back, drop my bags in my room and run into her arms, hugging her tightly and start chatting. But now... when i walked down the isle... Memories starts flowing in and it ached... My heart clenched and the hole cracked even more... It cracked bigger... and deeper...

The times where we could hug each other freely, kiss each other and hold each other in her room when her roommate is not in... The times when we walk down the corridor together to buy food, or to go for breakfast... the times where i would be in her room the whole day, hugging her, tugging her to bed... God i miss it a lot... i miss it to the bottom of my core... and it hurts... The urge to want her... Its killing me... I can't and i don't think i could go through this semester... My last and most important semester of my course...

I used to be there for her... During her sad time, when she is depressed, throughout her examinations. I supported and i made her happy. Now... I'm standing here alone... Staring into the darkness... not knowing where to start. Who is it to support me... Throughout these times... Who could pull me out of the pit hole of darkness? Can i actually do this alone? I'm scared... I'm alone... and I am cold...

Staying in my room itself... is torturing for me... It was where we first shared our kiss. It was the first time she opened herself to me. The first time she shed tears... The times she would come into our room to crack up jokes and have fun... everything looks so dull to me now... everything i do just seems worthless. I stood there... in the middle of my room... not knowing what to do first. Can someone please slap me across my face and wake me up from this nightmare? Can someone tell me that all of this is my hallucination? I'm breaking down... And i don't know how to pick myself up anymore...

She said... i was nothing then her bestest friend... But... am i? Please tell my the truth... please don't keep me hanging anymore... I... Its killing me... And i feel like dying. I feel like giving up... Somehow... it feels like... I'm a nobody to her now... I want to know... if she still cares about me... If she knew how suffering i am now? How painful i felt... each time i hear the music we always sing together... When the radio plays a song she dedicated to me... And when i walk by a room, playing a song that she used to sing... Its as if... someone is taking a blunt... rusty knife... trying to pierce through my heart...

Please... someone stop this pain... It has been killing me... And it still is...

I've Lost Everything...

Well.. lets just put aside about how long since i touched my blog... Make it nice and short i "was" happy during the moment of "not blogging" so i guess me being here.. typing every single last miserable words proofs a lot that i'm no longer happy. What?... it is the truth... remember what i told you about "S" in college? Yeah... she was my EVERYTHING. I endured and even continue studying nursing because of her. Now... She is nothing but a friend now... I thought that.. 2 years worth of waiting has finally paid off! That I'm with her now! YAHOO!

I was so wrong... We did everything together. We eat together, play together, sing together, go out, study and even more. Every single part of my life consist of her. So close... but still so far huh? Well... I've lost all of it. I slides through my hand and off from my life. Her love was my everything... Now that its gone... I have nothing to live for... She is still happy, I hope... no matter how much i wished for her to be with me... I'd still want her to be happy. But deep down in my heart I want her... I WANT her so BADLY. There's a huge hole in my heart aching, bleeding and screaming for the only one person to mend it...

The more I said... "Enough... Its over... Its no longer yours... Forget it... MOVE ON!" the more i think about those days where... I was really really happy and contented. I was the happiest person on earth at that time... Memories starts to kicked in and my heart felt like it was being pulled and drowned into a sea of iced water... I felt horrible... every single day... and it grows... I felt dead. In fact i would so wish to just end my life! But I have made promises to her... And I've got no choice but to stick to it... My last semester in college is starting... And i felt so miserable already... I felt like there is no one to support me throughout this whole semester... I'm alone and that's the end of it... I said before... the reason why I endured and manages to reach this level... is because of her... Now I'm basically alone...

Every single cells in my body is yelling for her... Wanting her SO badly. My mind seems to be clotted with only her... It keeps telling me... You need her! My heart screams out the needs of her" Am I but to lie to myself? To ignore what my body really wants just for her sake? Maybe i should just end it... end my life, ends all the miserable... After all, I'm the only one who is missing her dearly. She's happy, I'm sad. I'm miserable... I cannot go on like this anymore! It has been eating me alive! I felt like ALL my energy has been drained. My whole body... feels like there is only these miserable few strings holding on me...

Will i be able to go through this? My one and only wish... to all the so called "gods" out there... I wish she would love me back... I'd trade everything i had in my life! You can take away all my luck all my about to come things... I don't know.. maybe money or... anything! I'd trade them all for her! But... but I am... nothing but her friend... Just... Friend...

I have never felt so terrible before... Every single minor thing i wanted to do reminds me of her... I'm being drowned, further and deeper... What... should i do? forget her? ignore her? love her? wait for her? or continue making her happy? I miss her voice, I miss her kindness, I miss her love, hugs, jokes, everything about her! I've tried so hard... so damn hard... and i guess... i really don't deserve her... she deserves someone better then me i guess... But i know that... i will never be able to find someone like her anymore in my life... I love her... And i will always do... even if its only memories for me... It meant a whole world to me...Thank you... for loving me... I wish for her happiness... I will always love you... my Lil Pup...

Miserable-heart broken Mummy Pup...

P/s: i know i sound emo and depressed... but this is what i am feeling at this moment..

I'm BACK!!!

Oh my god... When was the last time i wrote in this blog?? i think its like year 2008. Was it?? hmm... Can't even remember but anyway... i'm a nursing student now!! and going third year! Awesome right?? right?? NOT!!! its NOT AWESOME! its a torture! Damn.. how i wish i could go back to the time where i was about to sign the agreement. I know, i was so energetic to enter right? but look where i am now. I barely have time anymore. I miss alot of my friends, brothers and sister. I just don't like the place that i am now. But... all in all the only thing i never regretted when i entered nursing was meeting one of my senior. I'm not going to state who she is but i'm only gonna name her as "S". Throughout my early years in nursing, she was always there for me and helped me when i really needed her. Thank you for everything! S was practically the only reason why i endured and continue(and she's pretty and cute to me as well -winks-). I know. I know... i've changed like ALOT. I'm no longer the Lil Einjeru that every knew. Sighs... College... this college that i'm attending to changes people. I know i'm no longer the "me" that i know and yet... -shakes head- But anyway... I went to the temple today because it was my grandmother's birthday and she wanted to celebrate it with her friends in the temple so i had to "tag" along as well...

So okay, reaching the temple and everything was fine but... It just happened that some people come to temple bringing their maid as well. The only thing that i can say it these people are ASSHOLES and a pure BITCH!. Excuse my language but do you know that they treat their maids like slaves? i mean.. WORST then slaves! I overhead the conversation and i really really felt like taking my plate and swing it across her face! This is what they said (in hokkien again but i'm translating it to english as usual):

Bitch 1: Do you know my maid is like SUPER lazy!? She's so slow in doing her work what more about eating! Man... i'm paying her blindly when her performance doesn't worth the money that i pay for her!

Bitch 2: YEA! i know how it feels like! Maids are suppose to wake up at 5 in the morning and WORK without rest until 9 in the evening! If not, then whats the use of us paying them!?

Me: -WHAT!????- (in my thoughts)

Bitch 1: What??? 9 in the evening!? thats not right!!!

Me: -relieve to know that atleast she knows its not right...-

Bitch 1: They are suppose to work until 11 in the evening!!! NOT 9!!!

Me: -stares at bitch 1 with a shocking expression -(WTH! FUCK!!! Are they out of their FUCKING mind!!!!!!)

Come on man... those poor workers are someone's child as well... they are human being as well.. what if i were to treat the owners like that?? waking up at 5 am in the morning to work non-stop until 11 pm? fuck!! i QUIT! I really felt pity for their maid... what are they thinking about? the poor maid does everything. Sweeping the floor, mopping, ironing, washing cloths, cooking and etc etc... the owner just sits and watch movie. Housework are very tiring like Shit.. how can they not understand them??? the best part?? The owner doesn't even know how to hang the cloths after washing... WTH!? is she fucking afraid to CHIP her PRECIOUS NAIL!?? Just because they are born in the better life with excess money to pay maids to do their housework doesn't mean maids are to be treated that way! I don't know how many people would disagree with me but seriously... this is crazy... Put yourself in the maid's shoe... imagine how they would feel? They are a family back in their country... mother and father what more about husband and kids who are awaiting for her.... missing your loved ones are miserable already... but adding pain and suffering to the maids by constantly scolding and forcing to work endlessly... what if it was them? or rather question yourself... what if it was you? hmm?? how you feel?? You know... sometimes the news paper shows that the maid kills the owner? I just... i don't know i sometimes just feels like it serves the owner right. What are they thinking treating their maid like that???

I don't know... i just wish there is something out there who would help those maids... i can never help because those bitches are a friend to my grandma... if they aren't... i would have embarress them and make sure they have nightmares... This world... we can never say that this world is unfair... The world is fair.. they provide us with many resoures already... water, earth, air... everything... it is us, the human being who are unfair.. i'm not ashamed to agree in this but yes.. Human being are VERY VERY unfair. It is our own kind that makes people think and say that the world is unfair..

Sighs... But anyway... enough about this... Tomorrow would be a happy day for me so i'll just leave this aside... I pray for those maids anyways... -shakes head- humans.....

Reunion in school? or Disaster in reunion?

Uhh... Its been so long since my last post here. >_>. Yesterday, a friend of mine called me to tell me there's reunion in school and stuffs. As usual, I FELT not wanting to go. Wanna know why? I DON'T LIKE HIGH SCHOOL! THATS WHY!!!! RAWRS~!!(its just a reunion... there's no school anyway) But they still manage to give my LAZY ass a kick to go out. Luckly i got permission from my mom to go out. *LUCKY!* So yeah... I HAD to wake up 7 AM in the morning just for that Idiotic Reunion. How COOL is that!? But anyhow, I got up at 7 AM and played RO for a while then i went out to start my "reunion" journey. And you know whats SUPER funny!? I GOT STUCK IN THE TRAFFIC JAM FOR THE GOD DAMN 1 HOUR!

After all the stupid Traffic and all, I reached my EX school at 9 am. =_= Talk about being LATE. My friends who were "happily" waiting gave me a NICE and WARM welcome. Wanna know what it is? ITS called!!!!! STRANGLING! Ah~ YES! i know~! Its the BEST medicine. a strangle a day, gives your life nearer to the coffin. =D. Nevertheless, after all the strangling and stuff oh... do include the 10 minutes on TRYING TO GET THE OXYGEN INTO MY LUNGS breathing... We headed out to "visit" our former teacher(She was invited to join us). The teacher as usual Bombared us with millions and millions of questions. And of course, she also questioned me. D: (Malaysian way of course and names about being author for their privatcy)

Accounting Teacher: Hey, Su Ling! what are you taking for your college?

Me: Uhh... i thought you already know what i'm going to take...

Accounting Teacher: Ahh, yes! you want to be a nurse. Did you get it?

Me: Yes, i did. Its in Lam Wah Ee Nursing College.

Yoong: WHAT!? You sure or not wan? Got that white white flying without legs one you know! So many somemore!

Christer: Yalo! There arr, Many That "Dirty" things you know. Becarefull arrr...

Me: *looks at them dumbfounded*

Accounting Teacher: Haiyo, Won't want la. Don't simply say la.

San San: Yala, Touch wood Wei! Pity this Air Su Ling la~

Me: *speechless*

Yoong: Haa? okay lo. Don't want to say lo~

Me: *still speechless*

Well... Most of the time, I REMAIN not talking but i'm not gonna write it down. It'll be SUPER long if i do. >.>;; So... After all the bombaring of question and all, we had lunch in one of the food stall near the school. OHHHHH!!!!! HOW I MISSED THE PENANG'S MOST FAMOUS HORRIBLE FOOD!!!!! yes! i know! It TASTED so horrible, SO oily and guess what!? ITS SO!!!!! Small in amount. -_-;; Gah... what a day... you know what they do mostly!? chit chatings! GOD! i HAVE nothing to talk about! well... not really... their topics are always not suit for me. So instead of wasting my time to listen things further~ I tried to excuse myself to go back so i can online with my friends but NO! They didn't let me!!! D: They tied me up to the pole and continue CHIT CHATINGS! (i'm joking about the pole thinggy. XD but they just won't let me go home! how evil is that!!!!) Guess what? nah you can't guess, nor you have the chance to... wanna know why!???? Cause i'm not letting you thats why. They were talking NON stop for like... 4 HOURS and after that, They MAKE me go SHOPPING with them!

Didn't i tell you how much i HATED shopping? So yea... it was my worst nightmare... I had to follow them to Shopping FOR SO MANY HOURS!!!! GAH! they even forbit me to go in the ANIME shop! WTF!? They can do their shopping... WHY CAN'T I!? I was SO pissed i almost split up with their group and walk for myself! -_- But i didn't... regretly... *sighs* after all those walkings and stuffs and eatings and more strangling, they let me go home... AT LAST~ It was already about 5.30 in the afternoon. D: I drive home... have a nice warm bath~ and online. SO SORRY FOR NOT BEING ABLE TO ONLINE JUST NOW MY FRIENDS!... My bad luck... still strikes meh.... I was too tired to play. T_T *bangs wall* After all those walkings and running and strangling? yea... I'm SO tired... Thats why... I decided not to play... And HERE I AM! after leaving this blog to the winter cold time and not doing anything about it! yes! i know! I'M SO SORRY MAH BLOGGY! its just a pity i can't hug it. >_> Nyah... I hope my apologize is accepted by my bloogy. >_<;; Ugh... i think i better go for now XD EHH!! nooo!!! Before i end this, I just remembered i had something coming into me when i was talking to my friend, Kate a few days ago. I didn't know what to name it still. XD but i'll just put it in lmao~ XD It's kinda weird but i hope its not too weird. lol... There it goes:

The fore feeling of a person,
falls into a deep pool of thoughts,
once they said,
pain was just a pain.

Love was just a love.
But what truly lies beyond everyone isn't love,
pain and sufferings but life.
The true meaning of life is how we make it and how we live with it.

To then,
they say Life is meaningless and shouts for a route to escape.
But yet they knew,
There are no route of escape.

There's only a route of hope,
route to endure and route to move on.
A hope to live and to love will decide what you have and what you will be.
A route to endure decides how strong your real self is,
and a route to move on to achieve none other then a life you once dream off.
Never to give up... and never to blame.

A life is just a life.

-Lil Einjeru-