I've Lost Everything...

Well.. lets just put aside about how long since i touched my blog... Make it nice and short i "was" happy during the moment of "not blogging" so i guess me being here.. typing every single last miserable words proofs a lot that i'm no longer happy. What?... it is the truth... remember what i told you about "S" in college? Yeah... she was my EVERYTHING. I endured and even continue studying nursing because of her. Now... She is nothing but a friend now... I thought that.. 2 years worth of waiting has finally paid off! That I'm with her now! YAHOO!

I was so wrong... We did everything together. We eat together, play together, sing together, go out, study and even more. Every single part of my life consist of her. So close... but still so far huh? Well... I've lost all of it. I slides through my hand and off from my life. Her love was my everything... Now that its gone... I have nothing to live for... She is still happy, I hope... no matter how much i wished for her to be with me... I'd still want her to be happy. But deep down in my heart I want her... I WANT her so BADLY. There's a huge hole in my heart aching, bleeding and screaming for the only one person to mend it...

The more I said... "Enough... Its over... Its no longer yours... Forget it... MOVE ON!" the more i think about those days where... I was really really happy and contented. I was the happiest person on earth at that time... Memories starts to kicked in and my heart felt like it was being pulled and drowned into a sea of iced water... I felt horrible... every single day... and it grows... I felt dead. In fact i would so wish to just end my life! But I have made promises to her... And I've got no choice but to stick to it... My last semester in college is starting... And i felt so miserable already... I felt like there is no one to support me throughout this whole semester... I'm alone and that's the end of it... I said before... the reason why I endured and manages to reach this level... is because of her... Now I'm basically alone...

Every single cells in my body is yelling for her... Wanting her SO badly. My mind seems to be clotted with only her... It keeps telling me... You need her! My heart screams out the needs of her" Am I but to lie to myself? To ignore what my body really wants just for her sake? Maybe i should just end it... end my life, ends all the miserable... After all, I'm the only one who is missing her dearly. She's happy, I'm sad. I'm miserable... I cannot go on like this anymore! It has been eating me alive! I felt like ALL my energy has been drained. My whole body... feels like there is only these miserable few strings holding on me...

Will i be able to go through this? My one and only wish... to all the so called "gods" out there... I wish she would love me back... I'd trade everything i had in my life! You can take away all my luck all my about to come things... I don't know.. maybe money or... anything! I'd trade them all for her! But... but I am... nothing but her friend... Just... Friend...

I have never felt so terrible before... Every single minor thing i wanted to do reminds me of her... I'm being drowned, further and deeper... What... should i do? forget her? ignore her? love her? wait for her? or continue making her happy? I miss her voice, I miss her kindness, I miss her love, hugs, jokes, everything about her! I've tried so hard... so damn hard... and i guess... i really don't deserve her... she deserves someone better then me i guess... But i know that... i will never be able to find someone like her anymore in my life... I love her... And i will always do... even if its only memories for me... It meant a whole world to me...Thank you... for loving me... I wish for her happiness... I will always love you... my Lil Pup...

Miserable-heart broken Mummy Pup...

P/s: i know i sound emo and depressed... but this is what i am feeling at this moment..