What did i do this time...

Okay... now i feel even worst rather then being better... I thought i was! seriously.. i even brought food to eat after 2 weeks on consuming almost nothing! "S" had to get all angry because of my facebook message. Now she said its best to leave permanently... wth? Is she trying to kill me? I'm already in a bad state myself and this... This is making me feel even worst... Now i feel like I've lost all hope... lost everything..

Maybe i should just end it... Its not worth it anymore... I had enough of pain... I'm walking like a living corpse... I don't even know what am i doing... everything... i do makes me think of her and now... I'm... always drowning deep into the iced water.... And i don't think i can ever resurface... I had enough... This is enough... I'm tired... I'm tired of the pain... And i still want her.

Those little.. strings that is holding on to me has snapped.. what... happened to her.. i miss the old her... this is it... all my wishes and hopes.. all gone... I am the only one... who is being miserable here... please help me...

Back to dorm... back to memories....

Well... Vacational leave is over... but my emotion is still not stable... And i am forced back to my dorm... where... "S" used to stay 3 doors down my room... not only that she has moved out since her course has finished... I'd have to suffer... Suffer with of all my memories we had shared together in this place... Before this happened... I used to really look forward to coming back here to the dorm even though this place is really one hell itself. I would look forward to come back, drop my bags in my room and run into her arms, hugging her tightly and start chatting. But now... when i walked down the isle... Memories starts flowing in and it ached... My heart clenched and the hole cracked even more... It cracked bigger... and deeper...

The times where we could hug each other freely, kiss each other and hold each other in her room when her roommate is not in... The times when we walk down the corridor together to buy food, or to go for breakfast... the times where i would be in her room the whole day, hugging her, tugging her to bed... God i miss it a lot... i miss it to the bottom of my core... and it hurts... The urge to want her... Its killing me... I can't and i don't think i could go through this semester... My last and most important semester of my course...

I used to be there for her... During her sad time, when she is depressed, throughout her examinations. I supported and i made her happy. Now... I'm standing here alone... Staring into the darkness... not knowing where to start. Who is it to support me... Throughout these times... Who could pull me out of the pit hole of darkness? Can i actually do this alone? I'm scared... I'm alone... and I am cold...

Staying in my room itself... is torturing for me... It was where we first shared our kiss. It was the first time she opened herself to me. The first time she shed tears... The times she would come into our room to crack up jokes and have fun... everything looks so dull to me now... everything i do just seems worthless. I stood there... in the middle of my room... not knowing what to do first. Can someone please slap me across my face and wake me up from this nightmare? Can someone tell me that all of this is my hallucination? I'm breaking down... And i don't know how to pick myself up anymore...

She said... i was nothing then her bestest friend... But... am i? Please tell my the truth... please don't keep me hanging anymore... I... Its killing me... And i feel like dying. I feel like giving up... Somehow... it feels like... I'm a nobody to her now... I want to know... if she still cares about me... If she knew how suffering i am now? How painful i felt... each time i hear the music we always sing together... When the radio plays a song she dedicated to me... And when i walk by a room, playing a song that she used to sing... Its as if... someone is taking a blunt... rusty knife... trying to pierce through my heart...

Please... someone stop this pain... It has been killing me... And it still is...

I've Lost Everything...

Well.. lets just put aside about how long since i touched my blog... Make it nice and short i "was" happy during the moment of "not blogging" so i guess me being here.. typing every single last miserable words proofs a lot that i'm no longer happy. What?... it is the truth... remember what i told you about "S" in college? Yeah... she was my EVERYTHING. I endured and even continue studying nursing because of her. Now... She is nothing but a friend now... I thought that.. 2 years worth of waiting has finally paid off! That I'm with her now! YAHOO!

I was so wrong... We did everything together. We eat together, play together, sing together, go out, study and even more. Every single part of my life consist of her. So close... but still so far huh? Well... I've lost all of it. I slides through my hand and off from my life. Her love was my everything... Now that its gone... I have nothing to live for... She is still happy, I hope... no matter how much i wished for her to be with me... I'd still want her to be happy. But deep down in my heart I want her... I WANT her so BADLY. There's a huge hole in my heart aching, bleeding and screaming for the only one person to mend it...

The more I said... "Enough... Its over... Its no longer yours... Forget it... MOVE ON!" the more i think about those days where... I was really really happy and contented. I was the happiest person on earth at that time... Memories starts to kicked in and my heart felt like it was being pulled and drowned into a sea of iced water... I felt horrible... every single day... and it grows... I felt dead. In fact i would so wish to just end my life! But I have made promises to her... And I've got no choice but to stick to it... My last semester in college is starting... And i felt so miserable already... I felt like there is no one to support me throughout this whole semester... I'm alone and that's the end of it... I said before... the reason why I endured and manages to reach this level... is because of her... Now I'm basically alone...

Every single cells in my body is yelling for her... Wanting her SO badly. My mind seems to be clotted with only her... It keeps telling me... You need her! My heart screams out the needs of her" Am I but to lie to myself? To ignore what my body really wants just for her sake? Maybe i should just end it... end my life, ends all the miserable... After all, I'm the only one who is missing her dearly. She's happy, I'm sad. I'm miserable... I cannot go on like this anymore! It has been eating me alive! I felt like ALL my energy has been drained. My whole body... feels like there is only these miserable few strings holding on me...

Will i be able to go through this? My one and only wish... to all the so called "gods" out there... I wish she would love me back... I'd trade everything i had in my life! You can take away all my luck all my about to come things... I don't know.. maybe money or... anything! I'd trade them all for her! But... but I am... nothing but her friend... Just... Friend...

I have never felt so terrible before... Every single minor thing i wanted to do reminds me of her... I'm being drowned, further and deeper... What... should i do? forget her? ignore her? love her? wait for her? or continue making her happy? I miss her voice, I miss her kindness, I miss her love, hugs, jokes, everything about her! I've tried so hard... so damn hard... and i guess... i really don't deserve her... she deserves someone better then me i guess... But i know that... i will never be able to find someone like her anymore in my life... I love her... And i will always do... even if its only memories for me... It meant a whole world to me...Thank you... for loving me... I wish for her happiness... I will always love you... my Lil Pup...

Miserable-heart broken Mummy Pup...

P/s: i know i sound emo and depressed... but this is what i am feeling at this moment..