Well... Vacational leave is over... but my emotion is still not stable... And i am forced back to my dorm... where... "S" used to stay 3 doors down my room... not only that she has moved out since her course has finished... I'd have to suffer... Suffer with of all my memories we had shared together in this place... Before this happened... I used to really look forward to coming back here to the dorm even though this place is really one hell itself. I would look forward to come back, drop my bags in my room and run into her arms, hugging her tightly and start chatting. But now... when i walked down the isle... Memories starts flowing in and it ached... My heart clenched and the hole cracked even more... It cracked bigger... and deeper...
The times where we could hug each other freely, kiss each other and hold each other in her room when her roommate is not in... The times when we walk down the corridor together to buy food, or to go for breakfast... the times where i would be in her room the whole day, hugging her, tugging her to bed... God i miss it a lot... i miss it to the bottom of my core... and it hurts... The urge to want her... Its killing me... I can't and i don't think i could go through this semester... My last and most important semester of my course...
I used to be there for her... During her sad time, when she is depressed, throughout her examinations. I supported and i made her happy. Now... I'm standing here alone... Staring into the darkness... not knowing where to start. Who is it to support me... Throughout these times... Who could pull me out of the pit hole of darkness? Can i actually do this alone? I'm scared... I'm alone... and I am cold...
Staying in my room itself... is torturing for me... It was where we first shared our kiss. It was the first time she opened herself to me. The first time she shed tears... The times she would come into our room to crack up jokes and have fun... everything looks so dull to me now... everything i do just seems worthless. I stood there... in the middle of my room... not knowing what to do first. Can someone please slap me across my face and wake me up from this nightmare? Can someone tell me that all of this is my hallucination? I'm breaking down... And i don't know how to pick myself up anymore...
She said... i was nothing then her bestest friend... But... am i? Please tell my the truth... please don't keep me hanging anymore... I... Its killing me... And i feel like dying. I feel like giving up... Somehow... it feels like... I'm a nobody to her now... I want to know... if she still cares about me... If she knew how suffering i am now? How painful i felt... each time i hear the music we always sing together... When the radio plays a song she dedicated to me... And when i walk by a room, playing a song that she used to sing... Its as if... someone is taking a blunt... rusty knife... trying to pierce through my heart...
Please... someone stop this pain... It has been killing me... And it still is...
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